you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
