I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
