I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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