whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
