Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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