dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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