there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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