Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
zippers are such a cool invention
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
