If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
