whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
