All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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