Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
