We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
The best revenge is premature balding
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
