dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
