if only i could text you this smell
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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