Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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