Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
