how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize