Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
