he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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