Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
