i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
