I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
