After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We got so high we made milksteak
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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