you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
