but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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