i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
