apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
