Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
