i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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