Screwed.edu
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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