Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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