Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
