Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
