i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize