We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize