Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
