Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
