Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
