she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Randomize
