i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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