Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
