Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
