Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
