Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
