Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
