omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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