you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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