its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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