There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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