Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
