mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Randomize
