Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
