I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
