Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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