Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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