And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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