Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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