how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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